Pros and Cons
by Cofkett
Summary: By semi-popular demand! When Castle finds a list of pros and cons Beckett made about him before they were together, he thinks he's in trouble... but she ends up reading it to him, leading to discussions about their relationship and how far they've come. No deliberate spoilers for anything after Recoil.
1. Chapter 1

**Normally, I would publish this as a chapter in _Too Many Ways_ but at**** lv2bnsb1's request - and with the gentle encouragement of Jareya - to have the "Pros and Cons" scenario from_ How Many Ways to Say I Love You_ posted as a separate one-shot, here we are. This is a follow-on, not a repeat; though I have recapped quite a lot of it for people who don't follow the series. This is also a little cleaner - hopefully (by cleaner, I mean spelling and grammar. In terms of content it's probably a little dirtier but I would still classify it as T. I know I rated the other one M. I'm confusing - I guess because this one doesn't have the naughty touching. But the dialogue is way dirtier in my opinion).**

* * *

_"Castle!"_

_He jumped, looking up from the computer to see Beckett with her arms folded, glaring at him. He wasn't sure if he was imagining it but it looked like she was trying not to smile._

_"Uh..." he stammered, rising to his feet. "It's exactly what it looks like."_

_"Castle, when your laptop died, I said you could borrow my computer, not read my stuff!"_

_"Yeah, well I was saving something to my USB... then I figured I should back it up on your hard-drive just in case and I saw my name and I just... couldn't resist._

_It hadn't been his imagination._

_She smiled warmly at him._  
_"It's ok," she said, putting her arms around him. "That list was just this silly way to try to rationalise my feelings for yo_u."

_"Your feelings for me?"_

_"Ok, I'll admit I found you attractive in the beginning- but it wasn't until later that I developed real feelings for you and I was trying to find a logical solution but... relationships aren't a mathematical equation."_

_"Well, I think I liked your solution: showing up at my place and jumping my bones."_

_"Mmm, I liked that one too," she said against his lips as she pulled him in for a soft, warm kiss, leading him towards the bed as they broke off._

_"So," she said as she pushed him backwards, straddling him, "what were you up to? I've got the list committed to memory if you wanna hear the rest."_

_"I... believe I was up to 'pro: He went to all that trouble to get that poster signed for me'."_

_Beckett, paused, staring at him._

_"You're lying."_

_"Yeah, I am," he admitted._

* * *

A few hours later, Beckett awoke, sweaty, naked, sore and satisfied to see Castle, bear and unashamed, printing something off of her computer.

"Uh, Castle..."

"What? You said you'd give me the rest of the list. I figured you could read it to me. From the beginning," he said, bringing the printed pages over and sitting back next to her.

"But... Castle, I told you, I have it memorised."

"This is more romantic."

Beckett shook her head in amused exasperation.  
"Ok, Castle, if that's what you want."

He kissed her in gratitude.  
"Ok, start when you're ready," he said in excitement.

She rolled her eyes.

"Ok. Pro - "

"Wait."

"What?"

"You have to start with the title."

She sighed.  
"Fine."

"_Richard Castle: Pros and Cons. _ _Pro: He is my favourite Author..."_

"Ha! You admitted it - and it's right there, in writing; you can't take it back."

"Castle, I don't need to take it down. I'm ok with you knowing that at one point in my life I was really into your books. But it's not like you have such a high regard for my taste."

"You have excellent taste with only a few unfortunate exceptions."

"Like your books."

"No! I - _Kate_," he whined, "don't ruin this for me."

_"_Ok, ok._  
"Con: I'm not interested in a one-night stand; and that's all it would be_._  
_  
_Pro: He's a good and loving father.  
Con: He's a sleaze-bag.  
_  
_Pro: He's smart.  
Con: He's an idiot  
_  
_Pro: He notices things about me no one else bothers to see.  
Con: He's intrusive and nosey  
_  
_Pro: His Coffee Machine is awesome.  
Con: He enlisted outside help without authorisation..."_

"When was that?"

"Remember the carpet you sent to your interior decorator; the one you slept with?"

He cringed.  
"Not my finest moment, I'll admit."

"Hey, it was helpful to the case."

"It was a red herring."

"Still, it put us in the right direction towards solving it."

"Ok, ok, you're right; I'm amazing."

She snorted.  
"I didn't say - "

"Go on."

_"Pro: He's good at thinking on his feet and improvisation.  
Con: He's reckless  
_  
_Pro: He's not a terrible dancer  
Con: They call him the white whale. Ew.  
_  
_Pro: He was nice enough to let me win.  
Con: He's so patronising he let me win..."_

"The Poker game, right?"

"Mmm-hmm."

"But... you let me win the re-match."

"I wrote this before that."

"Still, that's hypocritical."

"Castle, it was four years ago."

"Ok, continue."

_"Pro: He knows how I like my Coffee.  
Con: He's immature_

_Pro: He called me extraordinary  
Con: He investigated my mother's case behind my back_

_Pro: He looks ok in brown  
Con: He broke my trust..."_

"Brown, huh?"

"Yeah, why don't you wear that jacket anymore? I liked it."

"Uh... well it's a little small on me now," he said bashfully.

"So buy a new one," she shrugged.

"There aren't... any in my size."

"Well, you're rich. Get one tailor-made."

She put the list down and started to lick his chest.

He gasped.

She grinned, her hands mapping his body.  
"I liked that jacket, Castle, but this is by far my favourite look on you. Every inch of you is a turn-on."

"I have gained a few - "

"I don't care. You're beautiful."

She couldn't say that to a lot of men without bruising their egos - and Richard Castle had an ego that was easily bruised - but he was also a writer. He understood language, and the true meaning of that word, and rather than being offended, it touched his heart.

She started to make her way down his body.

_"Ahh, _Kate, you promised."

She stopped, sighed reluctantly and sat back up next to him, resuming the list-reading.

"_Pro: The way he looks at me with those intense blue eyes like he can see into my soul..._"

He smirked.

_"_Ok, ok. Moving on. _  
"Con: He is self-centred_

_Pro: His stubble ..."_

"Want me to shave less, Kate?"

"It was nice to look at from afar, Castle, but I don't want stubble rash."

"Why not? I don't mind it."

"What do you - ? Oh, Gross, Castle!" She hit him playfully with the paper. "Besides which, you know very well I keep myself well-groomed down there."

"Yes, you are very considerate in general. However, there have been times you've let yourself go in that department and I didn't mind - on the contrary, it was a bit of a turn on - "

"I'm just gonna keep reading, ok?"

"Fine with me."

"Con: He's writing a stupid book about me without my

_permission."_

_"'Stupid'?"_

"That was before I'd read it."

"But still, without your permission - "

"Oh, I'm over that now, Castle. Obviously, I'm glad you wrote the Nikki Heat Books. It's what lead to all this. It's what led to us." She cleared her throat awkwardly. "So, anyway..._  
"Pro: He apologised. Con: I'm scared._

_Pro: He meant it.  
Con: He places bets on murder investigations..."_

"If I recall, you were in on that bet."

"Yeah, well, I wrote that first."

"That's getting to be a flimsy excuse, Kate."

_"Pro: I'm not ready for him to leave yet.  
Con: He wrote a sex scene between characters based on us._

_Pro: We make a great team.  
Con: I don't want that to end. Dating him would mean no longer letting him shadow me..."_

"I don't know; I think Montgomery would have been cool about it," said Castle."Well, he was a cool guy," she smiled sadly, "but we might have still had to keep it secret._  
"Pro: He's sweet when he wants to be.  
Con: He's too trusting_

_Pro: That sex scene was pretty hot..." _

"I knew you got off on it!"

"Ew! I did not get off on it. I just... enjoyed reading it."

"'_Ew_'?"

"Oh, no, not '_ew_' to the scene, just... I don't get off to books. I don't want to ruin the pages. Besides, that scene was enough to rev the engine, but I had to create my own narrative to... bring it into first gear."

Castle's breathing faltered.  
"You mean, you...?"

She grinned, nodding.

"Oh, that counts, that totally counts."

"Yes, well, on with the show. _  
"Con: Maybe he's still hung up on his ex-girlfriend._

_Pro: He seems to know the boundaries now and is starting to respect them.  
Con: He kissed an engaged woman..."_

_"_Yeah, I'm not proud of that."

"It's ok, Castle. You didn't know if Greg was guilty - "

"Exactly; I didn't know. Kate, I'm glad we didn't get together then. I wasn't the man you needed me to be, the man you deserved. I was getting there, but - "

"Castle, you often put your heart before your head. It's one of the things I love most about you, but... it does tend to get you into trouble. You did the right thing in the end. I don't know what exactly you said to Kyra other than showing her the tape, but I got the impression..."

"Guess I'm not the only nosey one in the relationship."

"I didn't mean to; but my desk was on the other side of the glass; I couldn't help noticing..."

"I told her Greg was a good, honourable man who loved her. She said she loved him, too. We said our goodbyes, promised to think about each other once in a while... and that was that. Ok, your turn."

"My... turn?"

"I know she said something to you; like you said, you were right there on the other side."

"But... you weren't looking at me."

"I noticed through the corner of my eye. So... what did she say about me?"

She considered him for a moment.  
"Ugh, I don't know Castle, it sounds so weird now."

"Try me."

"Ok. " She laughed nervously. "She said... 'He's all yours.'

Castle looked positively gleeful.  
"What?!" he feigned outrage. "I'm not a piece of meat to be passed around from lioness to lioness."

"As much as you wish you were."

He smirked.

_"Pro: He's willing to see the good in people.  
Con: He's always messing with my chair._

_Pro: He raised Alexis."_

They shared a meaningful look at this.

_"Con: I chose his life over my mother's case. I think I'm starting to care about him too much..."_

"Kate, you were doing your job. If it was any other civilian - "

"I might have hesitated," she admitted. "I... needed him alive, Castle. He knew about Bracken; he might have even had the evidence I needed to take him down. It all happened so fast and if I hadn't acted when I did, I might have gotten the answers I was after. But because it was you... It was pure instinct Castle. I couldn't let him..."

He kissed her neck softly, holding her hand.  
"We can stop, if you want."

"No. No, I... I wanna keep going._  
"Pro: He's not just doing this out of the fun of it any more. He really cares.  
Con: Our partnership must not mean so much to him with all the time he's been spending building theory with Jordan Shaw..."_

"I knew you were jealous."

"I was not jealous. I liked Jordan. I was just... contemplating."

"Contemplating?"

"Yeah, contemplating our partnership, us, what it meant, because up until then I could tell myself it was just about solving the murders, the back and forth, but you had that with Jordan, it was so easy... and I realised that what we had went deeper than that and I... wasn't ready to face it._  
"Pro: He's Capable of having a real relationship with a three-dimensional equal .  
Con: He is an ass._

_Pro: The lengths he was willing to go to in order to help me solve my mother's case.  
Con: He's obviously not interested in a relationship with me if he's still sleeping with bimbo actresses..."_

"It took me a while to realise I couldn't pursue you and sleep with other women at the same time - as fun as that was."

She glared at him.

"What? I'm just being honest. I thought Ellie liked me, she was fun, no-strings-attached and I knew with you there would be strings. I was ready for the strings, I was just..."

"Scared?"

"Yeah. Well... yeah. It's scary when it's The Real Deal."

She smiled at his words.

_"Pro: He makes me look forward to coming into work because having him around makes things a little more fun.  
Con: I can't risk my heart with him when he's thrown out too many warning signs for me to not think he'll eventually let me down...  
_"For the record, you haven't."

"Good to know," he said warmly.

_"Pro: Sometimes, as much as I'd rather ignore it, I can't stop myself thinking that we fit.  
Con: He broke my heart."_

There was an uncomfortable mood shift in the room.

"I was wondering about that when I read it before. What did you mean, Kate?"

She avoided his gaze. Taking a deep breath, she finally met his eyes, trying to find the best way to answer.

* * *

**Cliffhanger! Sorry, this was supposed to be a one-shot but ended up going longer than I'd thought. I'm not sure how many chapters it'll be all together. Two, probably. Three, tops.**

**Thanks everyone who recommends my work on twitter and tumblr!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: The characters used in the story and the universe in which it is set, along with the history, is the property of ABC, Andrew Marlowe and probably a whole host of American people, none of whom, I can assure you, are writing fanfiction under the name of Cofkett. This work is for entertainment purposes only. No profit is being sought and no claim will ever be made to the rights of any storyline or episode by me, myself or I, because the writers have the right to use any plot-line they see fit, regardless of any similarities to any fanfictionI've written that's set in that world because I don't own it; ****_they_**** do.**

**In short, please don't sue.**

**A/N: F-R-O-M, Cofkett, F-R-O-M!**

**I really hate editing my own stuff.**

* * *

"I changed my mind; about the Hamptons - the invitation."

His eyes widened.  
"The invitation? My invitation?"

"Yeah."

"But... Demming."

She didn't have to say it. He read it off her face.  
"Oh. You ended it."

"Yeah."

"You were gonna - "

"Yep."

"And then, Gina - "

"Mm-hmm."

"Ouch."

"Pretty much."

"Kate, I'm - "

"Castle, it's ok. We both messed up. But it all worked out. I'm gonna keep reading, ok?"

"Ok."

"_Pro: I love messing with him.  
Con: He will never change."_

He opened his mouth to protest.

"Just listen to the next one."

"I know the next one and it makes no sense."

"This whole list makes no sense. We don't make sense."

"We make perfect sense. Every story makes sense. You just have to find that piece that makes it fall into place."

She rolled her eyes.  
_  
"Pro: He's grown up a lot.  
Con: I was humiliated_

_Pro: He let me stay at his place.  
Con: He hooks up with his exes.  
_"OK, you can explain yourself. I kind of wanna hear this one."

He shrugged.  
"I was a single Dad, Kate. I didn't always have the time to meet new people. Not that I didn't meet my fair share of - Ok, not the point. It was just easier sometimes. I mean, Meredith and I, that was... purely sexual. Sorry."

"No, it's ok that you have a sexual history, Castle."

"Not that we weren't in love once but once it was over, our only real emotional connection was Alexis. She came around once in a while to see our daughter; what was the harm? Gina was different. We had more in common.  
"I called her when I needed... emotional support."

"Like when I was with Tom."

"Yeah, like then. Except she's the one who called me about my deadline; I just... stopped avoiding her."

"Well, now you've got me."

"Yes, I have.

_"Pro: While he can often be annoyingly childish, that child-like quality also brings out a kind of sweet innocence which is actually kind of nice._  
_Con: He's clumsy."_

"What are you doing?"

"I think I need to switch that to the pros column," she said, grabbing a pen. "Ok," she said when she was done. "Perfect."

"You like my clumsiness?"

"It's adorable.

_"Pro: He has a nice ass."_

"How often did you stare at my ass, Kate?"

"Just that one time; after that dog ripped your jeans. It drew attention to my eye."

"Well, that appreciation hasn't seemed to have wavered since we've been together."

"Oh, yes, I think appreciation is definitely the right word," she said giving the body part in question a firm squeeze.

"Hmm," said Castle in response to her touch.

She smirked before removing her hand and resuming.  
"_Con: He's disrespectf_ul."

"You're one to talk, Miss Handsy."

"Oh, yeah, how dare I touch my naked boyfriend in my own bed?"

He grinned.

_"Pro: I've never gotten a rush like I do when I'm building theory with him.  
Con: He has stupid hair..."_

"There are some painful things on this list, Kate, but I gotta say... that one really hurt."

"I didn't mean it, Castle. I was still mad at you, trying to get through the summer."

"Ok, I forgive you. But..."

"What?"

"Can you cross it out?"

She laughed.  
"Ok, Castle," she agreed, crossing it out. "Better?"

"Better," he smiled.

_Pro: I think I'm hurting him...and that means he might care enough that maybe I might be enough for him._

"Josh?"

"Demming."

"Wait, I'm confused."

"There's not a pro for every con. I mean, later, I tried to repeat the same con, but... any way yes, that pro is from when I was still with Demming and chose you."

"That's confusing."

"Well, I didn't think it would be read by anyone else and I understood it."

"Ok, Ok, I guess I get it."

_"Con: He didn't call._

"It's ok, Castle."

He nodded_._

_"Pro: I can't lose him  
Con: Our partnership obviously didn't mean to him what it did to me. All he cared about was getting in my pants; and now he's given up and wants nothing to do with me.  
_"Obviously I know that's not true. I was just... hurt._  
"Pro: No, he loves me.  
Con: It's not enough_._"_

"When did you write that?"

"During the Counterfeit case; when you kept coming back. I knew why."

"But...?"

"But it didn't matter. I needed more than knowing you felt the same, Castle. I needed to know that you wouldn't hurt me like that again; that you could commit."

"So, if you already knew, then me telling you didn't really make a difference."

"Trust me, it made a difference, Castle. I just... wasn't ready to talk about it. Acknowledging that I knew would have meant talking about it."

"Ok, I guess I understand."

_"Pro: He believes in real-life love stories.  
Con: That's a fairytale._

_Pro: His imagination and faith in the unexplainable is adorable.  
Con: It's also stupid_

_Pro: He didn't sleep with Natalie.  
Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: He called me his partner.  
Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: He stood behind me 100%.  
Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: When he kissed me everything else melted away and it was incredible.  
Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: His loyalty.  
Con: He trusted Damien over me_

_Pro: His determination to get to the truth (even when the truth is painful).  
Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: He's here.  
Con: Josh is staying and I owe it to him to make it work_

_Pro: He went to all of that trouble of getting that poster signed for me.  
Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: I'm in love with him  
Con: How badly he could hurt me..."_

"Was that you admitting it to yourself?"

"Yeah. Castle, I never wanted to have such strong feelings for another person. It just... it complicates everything. The more you love someone, the more it hurts when it doesn't work out._  
"Pro: This partnership is as sacred to him as it is to me.  
Con: It's too sacred and too important for me to mess it up._

Pro: He's there for me  
Con: I can't cheat on Josh

_Pro: He thinks I'm strong  
Con: I'm not ready_

_Pro: He thinks I have a big heart_  
_Con: I have a boyfriend_

_Pro: I want him so badly it hurts  
Con: I have a boyfriend..."_

"When you say it hurt, was that... physically, like an aching starting in the pit of your gut, spreading to the rest of your body?"

"Yeah, yeah, and also, like... a fist clenching around my chest. But most if the time I was able to push those feelings down; ignore them. That night in LA, though... that was tough."

"I wanted you, too."

"You did the right thing."

"Well, so did you. You went back to your room first. I was tempted to follow."

"I came out," she said quietly. "You were heading back into yours."

He nodded slowly._  
_"Yeah, I guess I knew that. I did see the handle turning." He ran his hands through his hair. "You're right. We did the right thing. You were... grieving and vulnerable and still with Josh. It would have been a mistake. It's much better that things happened the way they did."

She nodded in agreement, squeezing his hand.

"Ok, where were we?"__

"Pro:_ Even Royce could see it  
Con: Royce wasn't the all-knowing hero I thought he was..."_

Castle looked at her with his penetrating gaze. They had a staring contest for about a minute before she finally sighed.  
"I guess I _did_ promise, didn't I?"

He rested his chin in his palm expectantly.

She smiled sadly.  
"Remember how Royce left me a letter? Well, in it, he basically... well, he said a lot of things but the part that concerned you was near the end. He sensed that there was something between us; and he told me not to be afraid to risk my heart; because that's what keeps us alive; and that if I didn't stop fighting it I might end up looking back on my life wondering, 'if only'.  
"Castle, he was right. I'm glad you and I won't be one big question-mark. I'm glad I know the answer. It's a great answer. But at the time, I guess... Royce had proven he didn't have the best judgement at that point in his life... well, I guess it was one more thing I was using to rationalise not being with you. Satisfied?"

"I will accept that answer. You may continue."

She paused.

"What?"

"I'm not sure I want to. Castle, when I wrote this, I was in a really bad place. It was just after our fight; I thought I was so close to getting him, Castle, and I know that you were just looking out for me - and you were right. If I had listened to you, I might not have been shot."

"You can't think that way and stay sane, Kate."

"I know, I know. I just want you to know I understand now but at the time... I wasn't going to let anyone get in my way."

"Kate, you don't have to read it to me. But if you do, I'm not going to hold something you wrote two years ago against you."  
_  
_"Ok, but the out of order thing? It's a lot more noticeable here. The pro was written after the shooting and the con was written before."

"I'm sure I can keep up."

"_ Pro: He said it.  
"Con: He is such a hypocrite. He's the reason all this is happening. If it weren't for him digging into my mother's murder, Lanie wouldn't have recognised those stab wounds, I wouldn't have shot Coonan, Raglan wouldn't have warned me, Lockwood wouldn't have come after me... I wouldn't still be chasing this guy! I'd have found some kind of peace - well it would be better than this. And now he wants me to back down. This is my mother. He's supposed to be my partner. I thought he had my back. But it wasn't real. It was just another narrative; make beliveve. It wasn't real for him. He was always just a writer playing cop trying to get laid. I thought we were more. I actually thought he cared about me. I even thought he might admit it tonight but I'm obviously nothing to him. I hate him."_

Castle inhaled.  
"Huh."

"Yeah, I know, it's a lot. I'm sorry."

"No, no, it's good that I'm hearing this. I know the part I played... in your shooting, in Montgomery's death. I wear it every day."

"Castle, you don't have to. It wasn't your fault."

"I know I don't have to. I know I wasn't completely responsible; but I did act recklessly, and there were consequences. I... can't help it. We joke about me being a snoop... someday I think it might be the death of me, Kate, the way I never let things go."

She squeezed him comfortingly.  
"You know what, Castle? As much as I don't want you carrying that burden, I don't think you'd be the man I fell in love with if you didn't_."_

"I think I'm ready for you to keep reading."

"You're sure?" she asked, squeezing his hand again.

He looked into her eyes, full of warmth and love.  
"I'm sure."

_ "Pro: He tried to save me. _

_Con: He didn't let me save Roy."_

Castle had an intake of breathe.

"I've moved on from that, Castle. You were respecting his wishes."

"That's not why I did it."

"I know. If the roles had been reversed I'd've done the same thing."

She kissed him.

_"Pro: The look on his face when he came into the hospital room and saw me alive.  
Con: I can't ._

_Pro: I miss him  
Con: It's too much_

_Pro: That ending_

"The book?"

She nodded.  
_  
"Con: I'm broken.  
Pro: His message in the acknowledgements..."_

"You got that?"

"'Thank you for helping find the meanings of songs'? It was pretty obvious, Castle."

"You remember that?"

"I do. You asked me how to tell if you were in love."

"And you said, 'All the songs make sense.'

"In the beginning, yeah. Fortunately, after the initial stages, you get your taste back."

"What kind of tasteless music were you listening to when you were falling for me?"

"Castle, it's a long list, and we've only just finished the first page."

"Ok, but I expect to hear your _Castle Love Playlist_ later."

"You did not just say that."  
He merely stared back at her, unashamed.

"_Con: I don't know if I can face him; I don't know if he'll forgive me."  
_  
"Technically, that's two cons."

"Really? That's the part you're choosing to focus on?"

"At this point, that's the part that matters to me. Words matter to me. But that summer... it was tough, yes. It's in the past. I did forgive you, and I did come back."

She smiled.  
"Thanks."

"Al - any time."

* * *

** Holy Crap, you guys are awesome. So, this will be three chapters all together. Third chapter is nearly done.**

**On a completely separate note, let me just say that "Yay Klaroline!" was a joke. It is complete. Any sequel will be published under IheartBECKS's account. We are talking about writing something a little more serious for the Vampire Diaries (lol LittleLizzieZentarra, you called it VD) fandom (something longer than two lines, with a beginning, middle and end - possibly even dialogue!). Again, that would most likely be posted under her account. 90% of what I am interested in writing when it comes to ff is Castle, just warning you. We appreciate the love; honestly we didn't expect anyone to take it seriously. Although my sister was serious about wanting that to happen in the show. And she genuinely wants those characters to die, permanently. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: The characters used in the story and the universe in which it is set, along with the history, is the property of ABC, Andrew Marlowe and probably a whole host of American people, none of whom, I can assure you, are writing fanfiction under the name of Cofkett. This work is for entertainment and self-preservarion purposes only. No profit is being sought and no claim will ever be made to the rights of any storyline or episode by me, myself or I, because the writers have the right to use any plot-line they see fit, regardless of any similarities to any fanfiction I've written that's set in that world because I don't own it; ****_they_**** do.**

* * *

_"Pro: I need him."_

"I should explain. I meant I needed you because you had information that was going to help me find my Mom's killer."

"I know."

"That whole summer, if I had been strong enough... we would have talked - we might have seen each other. I wanted to see you. But I was scared. Needing your help with the case gave me the incentive I needed to swallow my pride and do what I wanted to do earlier. I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted. It's in the past."

_"Con: He's going to get himself thrown out by Gates if he's not careful and I need to have him around. Because I'm selfish. If I don't have him around during this process... I don't know how I'll feel about him when I'm finally ready for a relationship...  
"_Castle, I was still working through a lot of stuff when I wrote this - "

"Don't sweat it. I get it."

_"Pro: He came back  
Con: Hastings has it easy. She lost her Dad, yes, but it's not the same._

_Pro: He's waiting for me  
Con: What if he gets sick of waiting and moves on?_

_Pro: He loves Comic Books  
Con: He deserves to be happy; maybe he's better off with someone less complicated..."_

Déjà vu overwhelmed Castle and he cringed.  
"Oh, God, Kate; when I was seeing Jacinda and I said I needed someone uncomplicated... that must have stung."

"It fed into some of the insecurities I already had, I won't lie. But I lived through it."

He kissed her hand.  
"My lioness."

She smiled softly back at him.

"My beautiful, complicated, intricate, multifaceted, multifarious lioness."

She started to read but looked back up at him, unable to stop smilimg, and kissed him before finally getting back to the list.

"_Pro: His work got turned into a comic-book  
Con: Inappropriate touching..."_

"I was trying to help you."

"Why would I ask you to grab my ass?"

"You ask me all the time."

"Not before we were together."

"Maybe you were starting something. I didn't know."

_"Pro: It worked for Hastings  
Con: He kept score of how many times we saved each other. Who does that?_

_Pro: I still have hope that against all odd, against what seems logical or reasonable, someday, we might make it..."_

"Kate Beckett, the optimist."

"That cryonics case got me thinking. If scientists actually believe it's possible for two dead lovers to be revived and reunited, you and I getting together didn't seem so far out of the realm of possibility."

"That's nice. I like that."  
_  
"Con: He keeps getting himself into trouble and I don't know if I can bail him out every time_

_Pro: These last few years, he's been paying attention  
Con: I don't deserve him right now_

_Pro: He respects what we do here  
Con: What if this secret blows up in my face?_

_Pro: I feel like I've taught him as much as he's taught me ..."_

"What have I taught you, Kate?"

She shrugged.  
"The difference between a ghost and a poltergeist?"

"Come on, Beckett. You grew up watching horror movies; you already knew the difference."

"Ok... historical Scottish architecture."

He smiled in amusement.  
"Ok, I'll take that."

_"Con: I don't want to know his number because I'm scared of how high it will be...  
_"No, Castle."

"What?"

"I don't want to hear your number."

"Ok, ok. But just know it's lower than you think it is."

"And how high do I think it is?"

He shrugged.  
"Three-hundred?"

She made a disgusted face.  
"Castle, if I thought for a second it was anywhere near that high I would have made you show me a clean STI test before I let that thing anywhere near me - and we certainly wouldn't have stopped using condoms in favour of the pill."

"Well, for the record it's lower."

"Good to know. I can honestly say mine is lower, too."

"Ok, good. So, we both have a ballpark."

"Castle, three-hundred is not a ballpark; it's a stratosphere."

"Well, do you want a ball-park?"

"No."

He observed her, grinning.  
"You sure?"

"Well, maybe just a minimum."

"I will if you will."

"Ok. Mine is more than five."

"So is mine."

"That's not fair; that's still not a ballpark."

"I could say the same to you."

"Except mine is way less than three-hundred."

"So is mine."

"Mine's less than fifty."

"So is mine."

"Really?"

He nodded earnestly.

"Huh. I can live with that."

"You don't want the exact figure?"

"No, honestly Castle, I don't need to know. I think I actually have new respect for you in your play-boy days."

"Well, you've got to remember, for a lot of my younger years I was in monogamous relationships, so..."

She smiled.  
"Yeah, ok."

"You can tell me your number, if you want."

"I don't know, Castle; what if mine's bigger than yours?"

"That doesn't matter to me. Kate, I know you're no novice when it comes to sex. It's actually kind of a turn-on - Not that I like thinking about you being with other guys; but I like that you know what you're doing, and you're not ashamed of your sexuality."

She smiled warmly.  
"While that's true... I've always favoured quality over quantity."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Whatever you want it to mean._  
"Pro: He's so gullible ..."_

"Shouldn't that be in the Cons column?"

She smiled coyly.  
"No."

"You really like my flaws, huh?"

"If I didn't there wouldn't be much more to like," she teased.  
_"__Con: As wonderful a father as he is, what kind of co-parent would be if he's always spoiling royal? Would I have to be the disciplinarian all the time while he had all the fun...?_

_Pro: I can't lose him -  
Con: Does he even want more kids...?"  
_"I hope that doesn't freak you out."

"It doesn't freak me out. I think it's kind of cool you were thinking that far ahead. I told you, I want to keep the option open. And I can be stern when I need to."

"Yeah, sometimes a little misguided."

"What do you mean?"

"GPS tracking?"

"That was a mistake. All parents make them. And... This conversation is way off into the future, but hypothetically, I think you and I would be good parents together. We make an awesome team."

"I think so, too."  
_"Pro: I want to be the kind of person he can be with. I'm not that person yet.  
Con: He's been married twice, has an almost-grown up daughter... he's lived this whole life and I'm just getting started. Would it be fair to ask him to start from scratch...?  
_"Ok, I've got to admit, I still think about that one sometimes."

He nodded.  
"Ok, Ok, I understand that. That's a natural concern. I mean the age difference..."

"The age difference has nothing to do with it, Castle. If anything I'm a little more mature than you."

"A little?"

"I'm being nice. You had Alexis young, married young... most women my age have either started or are starting families but while I was looking for Bracken I kind of put that all on hold and I do sometimes feel that you have a few more experience points, not because you've had more time but... how you've chosen to spend that time. You've had adventures, experienced so much and I've mostly been working since I got out of college."

"You've had adventures outside of work, too."

"Yeah, but it's not the same."

"I don't feel like I'd be starting from scratch. I feel it'd be more like... moving on to a new chapter. Every milestone, it's exciting and new because it's with you."

"I see why you're a writer."

"Me words speak good."

_"Pro: I'm ready to be ready  
Con: This is a place of work, not his own personal jungle gym_

_Pro: He's worth all the work, all the effort  
Com: I'm just - I'm not even... UGH!"_

"Ok, I think that warrants an explanation."

She squinted at the words.  
"God, Castle, I wrote that so long ago but... you know what? I think it was the Sophia thing. I guess I was just frustrated. I really thought I was the only one woman you followed around like that for research. I know how vain that sounds."

"No, no, not vain. Look, at first I was shadowing the CIA, not Sophia specifically. I mean, you met my guy. But I needed insight into the world of a female CIA agent. I met Sophia and we hit it off. She agreed to let me follow her around. I wasn't allowed to follow her on assignments; very rarely was I allowed into headquarters. Mostly, we just talked."

She raised her eyebrows.

"_At first._ She was very helpful. And, yeah, one thing led to another... but it's not like I've based characters on every woman I had romantic feelings for, or that I've tried to nail every female I've consulted for research. She was a strong, capable woman, and I was attracted to that. I'm still attracted to that," he said, shooting her a shy smile, which she thankfully returned. "I thought she was attracted to me. I thought she liked me. But I guess she was just bored having to work for a country she wasn't loyal to with nowhere to go and I was something to play with."

"I'm sorry, Castle."

"Is it wrong that I mourned her death for a little while?"

"I'd think you were kind of cold if you didn't. Whatever Sophia did, whoever she truly was, you shared a part of yourself with her, and it couldn't have been easy seeing her lying there on the ground."

"It wasn't."

She kissed him gently on the cheek.  
"Want me to keep going?"

"Please."

_"Pro: I could get used to waking up in his arms..."_

"When we were cuffed? You freaked out."

"When I realised it was real, right, because I couldn't remember the events that lead up to it. But when I first woke up..." she smiled bashfully, "yeah, it was kind of nice."

"How often did you dream about waking up next to me?"

She shrugged.

"Come on, Kate."

"I'll never tell..._  
"Con: He slept with her..."_

"Sophia?"

"Mm-hmm."

"This really is confusing"

"Well, I'm sorry."

"That's ok, you said it yourself; you didn't write it for anyone else."

"No, I mean I'm sorry about being so petty. I had no place getting mad about something that happened before you even met me."

"Hey, Kate, look who you're talking to; I'm no stranger to petty."

_"Pro: He loves dogs  
Con: Something's changed_

_Pro: The way his touch affects me..."_

_"_My touch got you all gooey, huh, Kate?"

"Just that one time."

"Uh..."

"Before we got together, Castle"

"Oh."

"Honestly, if there hadn't been a dog in the room, I don't know what I would have done."

"I wouldn't have minded the audience."

"Well, I didn't want to traumatise poor Royal."

"He lives with Kay Capuccio. I think he could have handled it."__

"Con:He's dating

_Pro: How enthusiastic he gets about weird cases  
Con: And the women he's dating, they're not real, they're just... subordinates..."_

"I never saw any if them as subordinates, Kate."

She raised her eyebrows.

"You don't have to believe me but it's true. I was raised by a single mother. I'm blessed with the smartest, strongest, kindest, bravest daughter a man could ask for. And yes, I'm, attracted to women.  
"I can't help that, Kate. It's the way I was born. If a woman wanted to sleep with me; have a good time, who was I to say no? And if she happened to be blonde, appear a little ditzy, dress in revealing outfits or be a big fan of plastic surgery... that didn't mean she didn't have hobbies, interests, dreams... an identity outside wanting to be with me. Were any of those women as complex and interesting as you? Not by a long-shot, but you're a rare breed, Kate. That didn't make them subordinates. They were just nice women who wanted to have a good time. And there's nothing wrong with that."

"Wow. You've never put it so eloquently before. It's definitely food for thought. _  
_"_Pro: He said, "Kate_..."

"I called you by your first name quite a bit."

"Joe's diary, Castle. You said _Kate_, not fate."

He contemplated sticking to his guns but what would be the point?  
"Yeah, ok. I guess I can admit it mow. I pictured us."

"When you were reading me their story, I did, too," she admitted before moving on.  
"Con: He cheated on me with Jacinda...  
"Ok, that's not what it sounds like. Obviously, we weren't a couple and obviously you weren't cheating on me by sleeping with her - "

"I never slept with her."

"You didn't."

"No, we dated briefly, but with her job she was out of town a lot; we mostly just talked on the phone for a couple of weeks. I won't lie and say those calls were completely clean, but physically..."

"Ok, I don't need the details. The point is it wasn't the fact you were seeing her. That hurt, but the real betrayal was you sharing what we do with an outsider. You don't have to apologise."

"Yes I know, but... I am sorry. I know how important our working relationship is to you and I didn't consciously set out to hurt you but I think on a subconscious level... I wanted you to feel some of that hurt that was consuming me at the time."

"Well... mission accomplished."

He didn't know what to say, and so instead settled for pulling her close, letting her rest comfortably in the warmth of his arms as she sighed in contentment and returned to the list.

_"Pro: He said I'm his partner, not Sophia  
Con: He's pulling away_

_Pro: All those things he said about me and Clara  
Con: I waited too long_

_Pro: Everything he's done for his mother  
Con: He doesn't want me anymore..."_

"I never stopped wanting you Kate. I thought you didn't want _me."_

"Miscommunication can be painful."

"Yeah," he agreed.

_"Pro: He lets me be there for him the way he's there for me  
Con: He cheated on me again - this time with Slaughter_

_Pro: His utter devotion to his daughter  
Con: He came back, brought coffee and was nice to me - to get info on Slaughter_

_Pro: Life's too short:  
Con: He nearly got himself killed_

_Pro: I just can't bring myself to be with anyone else - at least, right now  
Con: I think he's going to leave _

_Pro: I still want to be with him  
Con: The way he's been acting lately has been making me feel very apprehensive and I need some time_

_Pro: He's being nice to me again_

_Pro: Now I have an explanation for who he's been acting like such a jackass..."_

"Did you skip a con?"

"No, there are no more cons."

"That's it?"

"Well, there were dozens more - possibly hundreds more reasons why we shouldn't have gotten together. I didn't write them all down. I didn't have the time. I just wrote whatever was pressing on my mind when I got home. At this point, though, none of them were on my mind. All I had was... hope."

"I like that. That last week-and-a-half... between the Zombie case and the guy who broke into Montgomery's house... that was a good week. The anticipation; the sense that everything was about to change..."

"I felt it, too. It was a good feeling."

_"Pro: We both know where we stand_

_Pro: He's staying..."_

She looked up at him and took a deep breath.  
"This next one's the last thing I added to the list. I wrote it during that week, that last week we weren't together."

"Why aren't there more? Wouldn't there be more, now we're together? Reasons to stay, reasons to go?"

"Not after I wrote that last one."

He narrowed his eyes.  
"May... may I?"

She nodded.  
"Yeah, you do the honours, Castle."

She handed him the pages, and as he stared at the last item on the list, his breath caught.

"You can do it," she encouraged, eyes sparkling in reaction to the effect her words were having on him.

_"Pro: He's Castle," he finally read._ He looked back up, staring at her in awe.

"I could write a million pros and cons..."

"I thought it was a hundred - "

"The number's not important. The point is...You're Castle. At the end of the day, it's really just as simple as that. I don't need any more pros, and I don't care about cons. I only care about what I want, and I have that."

He tucked a stray hair behind her air affectionately.  
"You're such a planner. You need to have all your ducks in a row. I'm more spontaneous - or reckless, as you would put it."

"Castle - "

"No, no, it's great. Thank you for showing me this list. I'm so in awe at you for letting me see something this personal and private, especially considering how I found it."

"You're welcome; Castle, but... more than anything the list became a form of therapy. Writing became a way of getting all that stuff of my chest while being able to keep it to myself."

"Wow, writing to sort through your own complex emotions. Yeah, I wouldn't know anything about that."

She elbowed him gently.

"So, this narrative, you were talking about... how exactly did it go?"

Beckett shrugged coyly.  
"Which one.

His eyes almost bulged out of his head and when he finally managed speech is voice came out low and throaty.

"You - "he cleared his throat. "You uh... came up with more than one."

"Castle, you've released three Nikki Heat books - and they all contain sex scenes."

"You - it..." he finally decided that in this instance, his thoughts were best communicated not by words but with his body, pulling her flush against him in a spine-tingling kissed. As their hands interlocked and they kissed furiously, somehow, Beckett ended up on top (not that he was complaining).

As she straddled him, she looked down at him lovingly, her fingers softly caressing his face, working higher and higher til they reached the top of his head.

"You know what finally convinced me to throw caution to the wind and take a chance on us?"

He shook his head, trying to look at her face and not her chest while she was speaking. It was a losing battle - but she didn't really mind.

She smiled, bent down until her lips were an inch from his before whispering something in his ear.

"Your beautiful, strong, healthy, _thick... hair."_

* * *

**I have to thank everyone who's favourited, reviewed and especially followed this story. It's a commitment to be a follower, and I'm blessed to have gotten so many followers in such a short amount of time. Most of all, a big thanks to lv2bnsb1 who's suggestion and enthusiasm for the scenario in her review for "The Written Word: Part 2" in "How Many Ways to Say I Love You" got the ball rolling.**

**I must confess, I feel I effed up majorly. As great as this story is, I think it's kind of OOC. No way would Castle and Beckett talk this much about their relationship in one sitting and - now, don't shoot me - I kind of like that about them Yeah, it can be frustrating when taken to extremes but I kind of like the way they can have simple conversations, like in the Zombie episode and After the Storm to name just a couple, and know exactly where each other stands. I aspire to write move along those lines but it was fun to explore any way. I held a lot back because there's a lot of uncovered ground I'd rather explore in future fics.**

**Finally, I'll leave it up to you guys to decide if I should do a follow-up. I was thinking Beckett could share her "Castle Love Playlist" with him. So, if you like the idea, let me know.**

**Thank you for reading!**


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